I am now alone at home for one week, I never thought it would be this hard, but it is. I sit here, listen to music, drinking tea, watching movies, or try to at least, but it feels so empty. It is so quiet. I miss the sounds of Adam. His guitar playing, his endless organizing. Hearing him sing quietly for himself. He do know so many songs, and always have a song quote for whatever I say. I miss the laughter’s. I miss that he can make me laugh, even when I am angry on him, or sad, or full of misery. I miss his quiet little giggle, which is his way of laughing. The absence of sound is so cold, so empty. Meaningless.
I walk around in the apartment, looking out from the windows, try to clean, eat, sleep. The dogs are walking with me. Two human feet and 8 dog paws are walking in the apartment. Back and forward, forward and back. The baby in my womb is the calmness itself, only kicks once in a while. I wish I could be the same, calm as my baby. Instead I am walking here with my dogs. A walk without reason. Purpose. Or and end. But I do continue my walk, hopefully I can sleep soon. Restless.
Before I did met Adam, I never thought I could need a human, as much as I need him. He is just as important to me as air, as water to drink, as the sun that shines. He is my sun in the life, and I am his sunflower. But with the absence of sunshine, the little flower gets grey and dull. Flowers needs the sunshine. But instead it is just dark. Loneliness.
So many words on -ess. Meaningsless, Restless, Loneliness…I just can hope that the next word that will come up are happiness.