A thought about death and life

En tidig novembermorgon hade jag just fått veta att en nära släkting dött. Det kändes ganska meningslöst med det, en så onödig död, och jag var arg, arg för att hon dog. Nu lämnade hon så många människor ensamma, gjorde så många ledsna. Men även fast hon gjorde många ledsna, ensamma, går livet vidare. Min mamma fyller år, mina bröder går fortfarande till dagis, min mormor som förlorade sin syster grälar fortfarande med sin hyresvärd om de otaliga reparationer som krävs för hennes lägenhet. Medan min släkting är borta, finns inte mer. Och jag kan inte släppa den där känslan av onödighet.

I dag såg jag en av hararna som lever i parken utanför mitt hem. Han låg brevid staket, och var så fin i pälsen. Medan hans nötbruna oseende ögon för alltid stirrade in i evigheten. Jag vet inte vad han dog av. Kanske gammal ålder. Jag hoppas av gammal ålder, det är vad jag vill tro. Men jag kan ändå inte skaka av mig känslan av det onödiga med detta. De andra hararna leker fortfarande i parken. Nästa sommar kommer nya vänner skutta omkring, lyckliga i gräset, medan solskenet värmer den mjuka pälsen. De kommer inte känna till den fina haren som dog en kall novemberdag.  Min son kommer inte få lära känna min släkting.

Haren i parken finns inte mer. Min släkting finns inte mer. Livet går vidare, medan de försvann.

 

Translation:

An early november morning I got to know that a close relative of mine had died. It felt pointless with that, such an unneccesary death, and I was so angry, angry because she died. She left so many people alone, made so many people sad. But even if she made many sad, alone, life goes on. My mother has her birthday, my brothers still go to their day care center, my grandmother who lost her sister, is still quarrel with her land lord about the countless reparations that needs to be done in her new flat. While my relative is gone, do not exist anymore. I can’t get ride of the feeling that it is pointless.

Today I saw one of the hares that lives in the park outside my home. He lied next to the fence, and was so clean and beautiful in the fur. While his nutbrown eyes unseeing was staring into eternity. I do not know what he died of. Maybe old age. I hope old age, that is what I want to believe. But I can’t get ride of the feeling of the pointlessness about this. The other hares still play around in the park. Next summer new friends will hop around, blissful in the grass, while the eternal sunshine is warming their soft fur. They will not get to know the beautiful hare that died a cold november morning. My son will not know my relative.

The hare in the park do not exist anymore. My relative does not exist anymore. Life goes on, while they disappeared.

 

 

Gone

Picture belongs to Keely Varada. Click photo to follow the link.

Adam is gone. Gone away to England. His grandmother died and the jewish tradition means they got to bury her fast. She is gone. And Adam is mourning. He is so far away from me, but even when he was still here in Sweden, he felt distant, being gone, hiding in the depths that exists in his head. He are the love of my life, and I want to help him feel better. I have cleaned at home, bought him a red rose bush, hugged him, kissed him, waved him good bye, and sent small texts to him, saying how much I love him and how much I miss him.

But it is not enough. Not anything I say, or do will make him feel better. Get over this pain. He won’t. Losing someone is not something you get over. You just learn how to live with it. He has to live with this pain, and I do not want him too. I want to turn back the time, and then stop it, so that he never will feel it. Ever. But that moment is also gone. I can’t erase his grandmother’s death.

The past is gone, he can only look ahead. On the future. A future without his grandmother, only a red rose bush and a baby on the way. I water his rose bush for him, until he comes home. Keeping it alive. That is all I can do for him. The time of no pain, are gone.

 

A real crappy day

Yesterday it is 4 years ago since my beloved uncle died, only 28 years old. I did not blog at all because of that, instead I filled my day with going to the church and lit candles for him, and being with friends later on a fancy dinner and party, all in order not to think about what happend. My uncle said that being happy and enjoy life is the far most important thing to do, and that was what I tried to do yesterday, to his honour. Will later today show what I did.

We all have someone we miss, how do you cope with it?

My favorite things

This day has been LOUSY, with big capital letters. It is no particular reason to this lousiness, I just sometimes wake up and feel that everything is going to hell, people are mean and that nothing I do will make it better. This normally go over after a few hours, but it those first dark minutes that is horrible. I am normally a happy person, but just as everyone I do have sadness in me to.  In order to prevent this, I focus on the sunbeams in my life, colour, fun clothes (like my huge collection of knee socks), cute puppies and birds, sunshine and rain on the same time which creates rainbows all over the sky, family, friends and lots of tulips in the windows, and music. Adam also is a great source of happiness, when he came into my life, it all changed toward the better.

What comes first, more then everything, is my child. He/she is not born yet, but already have caused me much happiness. It’s little kicks, that it hates anything to be put on my stomach, all of those outbursts of personality gives me joy. I am amazed that such a tiny person can affect me in so many different ways. And that was what made my sadness go away today.

Winter in Vrinnevi Forest

I am so lucky living in such a small town as Norrköping, it is only 5 minutes into all nice shopping centers and so, and only 5 minutes to a beautiful forest, called Vrinnevi. That is one favorite of mine to walk with my dogs with, especially during winter time when the world is frozen and white. I so love winter!

The only thing that is boring with winter is the clothes, all thick and everyone look pretty much the same. I try to go around it by using funny scarves and hats. I must have at least 15 scarves lying around in the house!

Pretty much everything is gifts, so I can’t really say where they are from.

It was a great walk. The only thing that could have made it better should be more snow, as it is way to little to do all fun things like skiing, making snowmen and ice scate. Especially the last thing made me sad I can’t do as I had decided months ago to start with it again. Oh well, you can’t get all.

I hope you all have a wonderful season, wherever you are in the world.

Rioting in London

Twitter and Facebook is full of it. My husband Adam is in the middle of this and I sit here in Sweden and are glued to the computer, watching the english news. I am talking about the London Riots. I have tried to blog for two whole days, about something meaningful and fun, like the rest of my photos from my England trip, but it is hard when you know that people is trashing down the area (Ealing) of where my husband and his family are in. It is so weird to see places I been to, shops I have bought things on and streets I walked on just a week ago being destroyed.

Adam was taking photos of the streets today in his neighbourhood. Lots of glass, broken and boarded windows and people trying to clean things up. It is warming my heart to see people help each other out in this chaos, but on the same time, they should not have to!

Of some reason, I find it worse then the Norway incident, because it is not one mad person doing it, but normal people destroying their homes and lives. Seriously, it is an insanity. I hope this madness ends now.

Photos taken by Adam.